Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
