he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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