Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
