Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
