i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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