so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Can you bring me the toilet please
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
