I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think my fart just growled at me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
