well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
