I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
