My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You're breaking my sexual little heart
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
