I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize