bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
