What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
