sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
