you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
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He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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