Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
