the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
