No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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