I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
