dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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