I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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