I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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