Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
false alarm. still invincible.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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