My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You can't special order awesome
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
