I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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