dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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