I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
