You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
