I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
