she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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