If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
