I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
