So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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