I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
