I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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