Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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