But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
