I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm always down for nudity.
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