apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
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Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
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Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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