Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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