I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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