Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
