Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
she woke up with a sticky ear
what day is it and did you see me today?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
