Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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