Me. At least after what I've been through.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
