I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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