Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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