I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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