I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
