I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
