We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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