I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
