I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
