Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
