By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
