Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
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I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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