Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
