I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
